Saturday, April 28, 2012

I never expect to lose. Even if I am the underdog, I prepare a victory speech.
- H. Jackson brown Jr.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Three Hours

It'll soon be almost a month since my CSE interview. I haven't been able to bring myself to begin studying for the next cycle yet. As much as I would like to blame the uncertainty inherent in this long painful wait before the final results, I cannot escape from the fact that the reason lies elsewhere and I am cognizant of it. I've given my best shot in this attempt, and I probably couldn't stretch more while staying in my current job. I am aware of the futility of trying to better what already is best. I haven't attended coaching for this exam. My interaction with other candidates in the fray has been sparse. I, therefore, am unaware of my competition. All I hold on to is a strong belief in myself and my destiny. I wait, anxious and silent, for what lies ahead.

I distinctly remember the sepia tinged evenings, when I would return home after the day's work, with drooping shoulders and a searing headache to match, and in spite of it all, I would push and cajole myself, to somehow snatch those ever so elusive three hours from the jaws of the evening that would otherwise vanish into the quicksands of time, almost brutally so. Those three hours have made all the difference. I'll never question their strength or sanctity; I'll never doubt if they were good enough to get me a good rank. All I know is that I gave it everything I had during those three hours.

As the result approaches, I continue to read books that have nothing to do with this exam, I continue to try my hand at calligraphy, aware of, yet unmoved by the renewed efforts of other candidates for the next cycle. I'll probably never live those three hours again, irrespective of what future holds for me.